Malibu’s own Rick Wallace is a great American, perhaps the greatest. I can’t think of anybody living in Malibu, or anywhere else for that matter, who is a superior human being. I am not sure that I have ever met Rick, but I can say unequivocally that nobody has done more to make me happy than Rick —not even close!
For those of you who do not read this newspaper religiously, Rick periodically writes a column about real estate values in our fair city, and ever since I moved here more than six years ago, Rick has given me, and all of us, the best news we could possibly hear.
For most of my life I worked hard to earn money, but now that I am 88 percent retired, I can count on Rick to put me on “easy street.” And boy, has he delivered. Practically every couple of months Rick reports that I, and all of us, are wealthier than we ever thought. Why, if you read Rick’s columns as carefully as I do, you can feel your net worth increasing exponentially.
It doesn’t seem to matter whether you own a mansion, a condo, a trailer or even a tent, Rick says you are getting richer all the time, and if that isn’t the American dream (lying in your hammock doing absolutely nothing and becoming rich) then nothing is. Thanks to Rick, we can spend freely, because if we couldn’t have afforded something yesterday, Rick makes it clear we can buy it today.
I used to think my column was something special. I try to make people laugh, but my column pales in comparison to Rick’s, and I would rather read his column than mine any day of the week. Laughter is a wonderful thing, but I would certainly prefer reading about my assets growing than some lame attempts at humor.
So let’s hear it for Rick—hip, hip, hooray! Of course, I can be fickle, so let me make it perfectly clear that this adoration can change quickly if Rick were, to let’s say, report that the value of my home went down just a tad bit. Then, everything I wrote in this very column would be retracted, and I will have to say about the above what Gilda Radner used to say as Emily Litella on Saturday Night Live: “Never Mind.”
Article by Burt Ross